Black, White and the Gray in Between
by Danielle Winters
Summary: The fall of Shishio Makoto and his Juppongatana meant life in hiding for a certain young man. Taking the roads that are less traveled, Seta Soujiro sets out on his own journey not knowing what lies ahead. A re-telling of my 2014 Soujiro x Misao fanfiction called After Life.
1. Chapter 1

**Black, White and the Gray in Between**

A Soujiro Seta-centric fanfiction

**Synopsis:** The fall of Shishio Makoto and his Juppongatana meant life in hiding for a certain young man. Taking the roads that are less traveled, Seta Soujiro sets out on his own journey not knowing what lies ahead. A re-telling of my 2014 Soujiro x Misao fanfiction called After Life.

**Author's Note:** Six years ago, I wrote a Soujiro-centric fanfiction entitled After Life. I wrote it in a spur of the moment and honestly speaking, I felt lost the moment I was writing it. It's as if my hands had a life of its own and it started to type a 10,000-word fanfiction. "After Life" is very close to my heart because it was my own musings and reflections projected into Seta Soujiro's character. I am opening my 2020 with a re-write of that very fanfiction. I wonder how much I have changed as a writer and how much I grew as a person. I will do my best to keep Seta Soujiro in character. I hope after reading this, you will leave a review (or even send a PM) because I love hearing from the readers.

**PS:** I don't have a beta. Forgive me for any typo, grammar errors or mistakes you will see in this fanfiction.

* * *

_The strong shall live and the weak shall die. That's the natural order of things. I can't understand why you have to help the weak, **weak people are irrelevant**. Shishio made me realize that the strong should live. He taught me to kill the weak and be aware of the strong gave me a sword, **and if not for that sword I wouldn't be alive today**. He also made me realize that **I don't have a choice**. If I don't kill them, they'll kill me. **But the truth is, I never really wanted to kill anybody**._

Seta Soujiro

* * *

**All endings are beginnings. **

_Burned to the ground_

_._

_He watched the JupponGatana hideout burn. The irony of ironies. Makoto Shishio had an affinity for fire. His body was consumed by fire and he sought to control the element that almost destroyed him. Makoto Shishio was the embodiment of fire. His flame consumed whatever on its path and it consumed him in the end._

_He turned his back and walked away. He felt hallow. Certainly, life isn't as clear as to how his mentor painted it to be._

"Araabo-ya, are you heading out on a journey?" The old storekeeper asked. She placed a small plate of dango and a cup of tea on the bench where a young man was sitting as he was tightening his waraji.

"Hai obaasan." He responded. "Ne obaasan, where does this road lead to?" He asked as he flashed his signature smile to the old lady.

"Heading towards the north."

"Saaa, obaasan, arigato for the dango and ocha. I'm heading out." He stood from the bench and carried his bag. "Sayonara."

* * *

**Year One: Weak people are irrelevant.**

* * *

He stood there watching a group of men trying to pull a cart that got stuck on the mud. Three men of advanced aged were grunting and pushing with all their might to free the cart's wheel from the mud. _Weak and pathetic_ were the thoughts that came to his mind.

"Oi, bo-ya, would you mind giving us a hand?" One of the men asked upon seeing him.

"Aara, ore?" He asked back. He sighed. Walking towards the men, he placed his bag on the cart and started to help them. The wheel was buried deep in the mud and the more they pushed, the more it got stuck.

"Maybe two of us can pull from the front and the other two can push from the back?" He suggested. The men agreed with him. He stayed behind the cart together with the man who had asked him for help while the other two moved to the front to pull. It took effort but in no time, they were able to free the wheel from the mud. The men cheered and thanked Soujiro for his help.

Soujiro just smiled. Truth be told, he did not know what to say.

"Are you going somewhere bo-ya?" One of the men asked.

"Yes, although I'm not sure where." He answered. The man chuckled.

"There is a small village a few meters away from here. We all live there. Why don't you join us and stay for the night? Looks like you will have a long travel ahead of you."

"Uwaa, is that okay? Are you sure you want to invite me? What if I'm a cold-hearted murderer?" He asked. The man laughed hard at Soujiro's question.

"What will you gain from killing poor farmers like us? Besides, if you are a cold-hearted murderer, you should have killed us already. You are carrying a sword after all which is highly illegal in this era." The man answered. "It's up to you if you want to accept my offer or not. I just want to thank you for your help."

It puzzled Soujiro how people can be too generous and too cruel at the same time. These poor farmers have very little to offer him and yet they were willing to share whatever they have with him, a total stranger carrying a sword. He grew up in a well-off family capable of sharing their excess to the needy, yet he was treated as a slave. These men had no reason to trust him, yet they offered him shelter.

Then again, he placed his trust in a man who was ready to burn the world. What difference does he have from these farmers?

Wordlessly, he followed the men towards the small farming village not far from where the cart got stuck. The village was small, smaller in comparison to Shigetsu Village. People were certainly living in poverty, yet he cannot deny that there is a certain warmth emanating from the people who lived there.

The man who offered him shelter for the night introduced him to his wife and son. They thanked him for his help and was told to make himself comfortable. He joined them for dinner and was given a futon to sleep on for the night. The man's son asked him questions about his travels and the sights he had seen which he patiently answered. When the son was told that they would be sleeping, he frowned but followed what he was told to do.

Alone with his thoughts, Soujiro watched the moon from the small window of the hut. The family slept peacefully a few feet from him. Would they be able to sleep had they known that he was Shishio's, former right-hand man? Would they welcome him in their home had they known that he murdered people?

The next day, Soujiro thanked his host family for their kindness. The man's son gave him a paper pinwheel and asked him to visit them again. He was surprised but he was able to hide it behind his usual smile. The man's wife gave him a small bento for his journey. He was about to refuse but the man shoved it to him.

"You need to it bo-ya." He said. "You don't want to pass out on the road due to hunger."

He bowed his head and bid his farewell.

As he walked away from the village, Seta Soujiro placed a hand on his chest. He did not know what to feel but the man and his family's naivete baffled him. Are people truly capable of showing such trust and kindness to others?


	2. Chapter 2

**Black, White and the Gray in Between**

A Soujiro Seta-centric fanfiction

* * *

**Year Three: I don't have a choice.**

* * *

Three years. It has been three years since he began his journey and in all those years, he was successful at evading the authorities who hunt him. Somehow, lady luck wasn't on his side anymore as he came face to face with The Mibu of Shinsengumi. Hajime Saito was casually leaning against the trunk of a large tree, a cigarette tucked between his fingers.

"Tenken no Soujiro." Saito greeted.

"Hajime Saito-san." Soujiro returned the greeting. "Have you come to arrest me?" He taunted as he began to tap one of his feet. He may have been out of practice, but he was still fast. He can still outrun The Mibu.

"That will depend on you," Saito replied.

"Ah, are we playing a game?" He taunted and the other man just smirked. Throwing his cigarette and stepping on it to extinguish it, Saito pushed himself off the tree trunk.

"I have a proposition for you Tenken." Saito began.

"Let me guess, you are offering me a deal just like what you did for the others." Soujiro cut the chase. "What makes you think I would accept the deal?"

"I don't." Saito answered. "You can run but know that I'd still find you. You can accept the deal, enjoy a semblance of freedom. Wander to your heart's content so to speak."

"Then what is the point of even making me a proposition when you don't know whether I'll accept it or not?" Soujiro questioned.

"You are a smart man and I know you'll make a smart choice," Saito answered.

"Choice? You make it sound like I have a choice when in truth I don't have a choice."Soujiro retorted.

Saito smirked. "You always have a choice. It's even your choice to believe that you do not have a choice." He threw an envelope on the ground and started to walk towards Soujiro. He stood for a bit beside the young man. "Read it and come find me if you start believing you have a choice," Saito said and then he walked away. Soujiro stayed on his spot, trying to feel whether The Mibu was still within the area. When he was sure he was further away, he bent down and picked the envelope The Mibu left for him.

_Choice? _Soujiro thought. _What choice?_ Since childhood, Soujiro knew he had no choice. He certainly did not choose to be brought on to this world. He did not choose to be born out of wedlock. He did not choose his parents, a prostitute and a wealthy rice miller. He did not choose to become an orphan and he did not choose to live with his blood relatives.

His relatives left him with no choice but to kill them.

_What choice is The Mibu saying?_ Seta Soujiro did not have a choice. And yet, he found himself paralyzed deciding whether to open the envelope or not. His mind went blank while looking at the piece of paper on his hand.

"_Look for me when you start believing that you have a choice."_

* * *

**Year Five: If not for that sword, I wouldn't be alive today.**

* * *

Information.

Two years ago, Seta Soujiro accepted a government deal to be an informant. He was to wander around Japan to gather information about threats to the country (internal and external threats) and report it to The Mibu. With the Mibu's order, he would be allowed to act with extreme prejudice against people considered as extreme threats.

The thrill of fighting awakened Soujiro's blood lust yet he fought against himself about killing the enemies of the government. The Mibu had told him one time that Battousai's philosophies were rubbing on him.

Speaking of Battousai, he hasn't seen the man in five years. He was traveling to Tokyo and Saito was kind enough to provide him Himura Kenshin's address. He wanted to talk to him one more time, that is, if he'd be welcomed to enter his residence.

One spring day, Seta Soujiro found himself at the gate of Kamiya Dojo. He was uncertain whether he should just enter but when a heavily pregnant woman came out from the main entranceof the dojo, Soujiro just stood still. The woman took a good hard look at him before calling someone.

"Anata, I think you have a visitor." She called out. A few minutes later, a red-head man appeared. The sleeves of his gi were pulled up and he was carrying a basket full of laundry. Seta Soujiro could not believe his eyes that the man he fiercely fought five years ago could live so simple nowadays.

"Oro, is that you Soujiro-san?" Himura Kenshin said. He and the pregnant woman approached him at the gate.

"Ara, Himura-san konnichiwa and sorry to come here unannounced." He said as he bowed to them.

"It has been a long time Soujiro-san. Ah, this is my wife, Kaoru."

"It is a pleasure to finally meet you," Kaoru said. "Don't just stand there, come inside and let's have tea." Soujiro felt Kaoru's grabbed his arm and she started pulling him inside. Kenshin just chuckled as he watched the confused young man being dragged inside the dojo.

Soon he found himself seated in a room with tea and pastries served in a low table. Himura Kenshin and his wife were seated across him. He kept smiling although deep inside, he didn't know what to say. He didn't even expect to be welcome so openly in his former enemy's home.

"Forgive the noise Soujiro-san, the dojo is quite lively today as we have students in here," Kenshin spoke.

"They are loud because Yahiko is being brash and loud as always." Kaoru deadpanned while her husband softly laughed. "Once I give birth, I'll really beat that brat to his senses," Kaoru added.

"Ahh, that's right, you and the okashira of the Oniwabanshu fought with Kamatari while a young boy fought Henya during the Juppongatana's siege of Kyoto." He blurted and suddenly he felt a pang of regret of ever mentioning it.

"Yes, Misao and I fought Kamatari and Yahiko fought with Henya. Come to think of it, it feels like it happened a lifetime ago." Kaoru mused.

_A lifetime ago? Can five years feel like a lifetime ago? _Soujiro thought. Can people really learn to move on from such pain, tragedy and trauma?

"Saa Seta-san, tell us what you have been doing the past few years." Kaoru prodded. "We heard from Saito that you have accepted a deal with the government."

"I did. I still wander while I do the work Saito-san assigns." He started. "I haven't seen Kyoto in five years since most of my assignments are headed north."

"Have you enjoyed your travels so far?" Kenshin asked.

"I can't say for sure. They aren't all that bad." He said as he showed them his smile.

"Maaa, I will leave you two alone. Forgive me Seta-san, I am a bit restless especially now that I am due to give birth in two months. You are welcome to stay here while you are in Tokyo okay?" Kaoru said as she stood from her seat. Soujiro was speechless. How can this woman let a former enemy stay in her house? Isn't she worried that he might harm them while they are sleeping?

"She's right Soujiro-san, you are free to stay here while you are in Tokyo. We have a guest room that you can use." Kenshin followed and that surprised the former Tenken even more. _What is wrong with these people?_

"We'll take your silence as a yes. Ahhh I think I should start with dinner since we have a guest." Kaoru cheerfully declared as she walked out of the room. Soujiro saw how Kenshin became pale for a moment upon hearing his wife.

"Maybe I should beat her at starting dinner or ask Yahiko to run to Akabeko-ya. Kaoru-dono's cooking still needs a lot of work." Kenshin admitted and Soujiro understood why the older man became pale for a moment.

"How can you be like this?" He suddenly asked. "You have so much blood in your hands just like me and yet…and yet, you are living a quiet man's life." The smile that Soujiro wore has disappeared. His eyes were hidden by his bangs. Was this the life he was living before the Juppongatana made their move? Was this the life the great Himura Battousai wanted? "I've wandered for five years and I don't know if I even have the answers I seek."

"Don't rush into things. The more we hurry, the more we miss on the important details. Sometimes, what we seek is just right before our eyes and because we are in a hurry, we miss it." Kenshin advised.

Putting on his smiling mask, Soujiro laughed. "Saa, maybe it will take me more than ten years to find what I am looking for."

* * *

While he and Soujiro were talking and catching-up, Myojin Yahiko passed by the receiving room where the two men were having tea. Kenshin introduced Yahiko to Soujiro and the two young men had a friendly chat. Kenshin then requested Yahiko to go to Akabeko-ya to order food since Kaoru wanted to prepare dinner.

"I better run." Yahiko said. "You may be the former Tenken no Soujiro but I doubt whether your god-like speed can save you from Kaoru's terrible cooking."

"Ah, but I'll be fine with whatever food is available." Soujiro said.

"Believe me." Yahiko placed a hand on Soujiro's shoulder. "You haven't tasted anything much worst than Kaoru's cooking. You will thank me someday for this." And Soujiro saw Kenshin nodding behind Yahiko.

Himura Kenshin was able to salvage dinner. He was able to coax Kaoru to rest instead of preparing dinner. He assured Kaoru that Yahiko is on his way from Akabeko-ya and that they will have a sumptuous feast to welcome their guests. Yahiko arrived together with Gensai-sensei, Tae-san, and Tsubame of Akabeko-ya. Both women marveled at meeting Soujiro. Tae-san was more outspoken than Tsubame and was not afraid to voice out that she had thought Soujiro to be much scarier than what he looks. Tsubame, on the other hand, is more reserved and polite. She was seated next to Yahiko.

"Tae-san, you can never judge a book by its cover. Would you even associate the great Battousai to our Kenshin now?" Gensai-sensei pointed out. "He looks like a scrawny homeless man when he first came here."

"Oro?" Kenshin reacted.

"Well, point taken," Tae-san admitted.

"He still looks like a scrawny deadbeat dude." Yahiko taunted.

"Said by a brash loud-mouth brat." Kaoru countered.

"Well, at least I can cook unlike someone here," Yahiko said back. It was enough to trigger Kaoru's ire.

Soujiro didn't know what to do and frankly, he does not understand what was happening, but he felt warm and fuzzy. Gensai-sensei was laughing hard while Tsubame was doing her best to maintain her composure. Kenshin was trying to calm his wife who was busy exchanging snide remarks with Yahiko. Tae-san was serving tea and was commenting on how un-wifely Kaoru was acting. It was chaotic yet it was warm and fun. The bantering was not a contest of pride (as what Juppongatana members often do), it was just a way of poking fun.

Lost in his musings, Soujiro found himself smiling and laughing with the group.

* * *

A day turned into a week and soon it turned to weeks. Soujiro Seta found a place amongst his former enemies. Kaoru was very warm and open. She spoke her mind freely. Yahiko and the other student turned master, Yutaro became fast friends with him. Sometimes, he wondered if his life had taken a different path, would he meet them under different circumstances? He found himself practicing with them the basic stances of kendo every morning and sometimes, even sparring. Tae-san and Tsubame welcomed him in Akabeko-ya as if he was a regular customer. And Kenshin, Kenshin was like a wise old man who often indulges him whenever he is bothered by his thoughts. The man was helping him untangle the web of thoughts and emotions he didn't know exists within him.

He had built a daily routine. In the morning, Soujiro would sweep the garden and water the plants. He would help prepare with breakfast (much to Kaoru's chagrin since Soujiro is a better cook than her). He'd help with the laundry or cleaning the house. Kaoru was relegated to bed rest weeks before giving birth and much of the chores fell on Kenshin and him. There was a day when Kenshin was called off to town and the older man asked him a favor to look after his wife while he was gone for the day. Soujiro sat outside the couple's room. The shoji screen was slightly open to allow the spring breeze to enter. He was befuddled at how huge Kaoru's stomach was and he wondered whether his mother had looked like Kaoru when she was pregnant with him. Kaoru noticed the curious look on the young man's face, so she called him towards him.

"Give me your hand." She requested and Soujiro obliged. Kaoru then placed his hand on her stomach. Soujiro's eyes widened as he felt a movement inside Kaoru's stomach.

"Was that…"

"Yes, the baby just kicked. I think the baby is delighted to meet you." Kaoru said.

Soujiro marveled at the sensation as he felt another movement. Unbeknownst to him, his practiced smile was just replaced by a genuine smile that Kaoru took delight at seeing.

* * *

A month into his stay at the Kamiya dojo, Soujiro was introduced to another family member of the Kenshin-Gumi, Takani Megumi. She left Aizu for Tokyo to help Kaoru in giving birth. She is the gifted female doctor who nursed Kenshin back to health after his fight with Shishio and Enishi. Unlike Kaoru who was somewhat of a tomboy, Megumi was more lady-like. Megumi reminded Soujiro of Yumi-san.

The day of Kaoru's labor has arrived. Gensai-sensei and Megumi quickly acted and ordered Tae-san and Tsubame to assist them. Classes in the dojo were suspended as the men were delegated tasks as well. Soujiro was tasked to keep HimuraKenshin company. They sat quietly outside the birthing room.

Unused to a situation like this, Seta Soujiro found himself anxious. He could feel the ki of the older man beside him. While Kenshin was the picture of serenity from the outside, he has failed to mask his ki. Each scream from within the room would spike the ki of the man beside him. Soujiro felt like Kenshin was ready to go into battle. But what can Kenshin do? Soujiro understood that this wasn't a battle for Kenshin to fight but that of his wife. Kaoru's screams were getting louder and louder and Soujiro noticed how Kenshin clenched his fist several times. Had he been without control, Soujiro thought that Kenshin may have torn down the shoji screen. The screams of pain died down and were instead replaced by an energetic cry of an infant.

Takani Megumi opened the shoji screen. She was tired yet she had a huge smile of her face. She delivered the good news that both mother and child were safe. Kaoru bore him a son. Soujiro felt Kenshin's ki dispelled and was instead washed over by a sense of relief. He held Kenshin by the shoulder for he knew that older man would have fallen. Megumi said that Kenshin may go inside to see his wife and son. Soujiro gave the older man a gentle push inside the room.

That evening, as Soujiro laid on his futon he wondered about the duplicity of the scream he has heard. All the screams he has heard in his life. He was used to hearing people scream out of fear (most of the time). Before he would end someone's life, there's always this piercing scream of desperation and agony and then in one swift movement, it's replaced with silence.

Today, however, it wasn't a scream of fear. It was a scream of someone fighting not just for her life but for another person's life. It was painful to listen to but inside him, he couldn't help but root for Kaoru. If death had a personification, he would have cheered for Kaoru in the face of death and would have even said "not today, death. Not today." And when Kaoru's screams died down, a strong cry echoed in the room as if the infant announced his triumphant arrival into this world.

A week after giving birth, a new normal came to Kamiya dojo. Soujiro volunteered to do more chores to give Kenshin and Kaoru more time to spend with their new-born son. He said that it was the least he could do for staying for free. Sometimes, Soujiro would help with watching over the baby much to the delight of Kaoru. She enjoyed seeing every new emotion from the young man. Perhaps it was her maternal instincts kicking in, but she wanted to be there for Soujiro too. The young man had a rough (which was an understatement) life (as far as Kenshin told her) and she wanted to let him know that there is also something good in this life.

"Saa Soujiro-san put your arms like this." She instructed as she showed Soujiro what to do. Soujiro followed despite his confusion. He watched Kaoru picked her son from the cot and then she placed it on his arms.

Soujiro's eyes widened. The weight of the baby in his arms sent his emotions to overdrive. The baby was warm, and he reveled at this warmth. The baby's eyes opened revealing a pair of amber eyes much like his father's. The baby then smiled and Soujiro felt like the weight of the world was taken off his shoulders.

"Suteki…" He quietly said as droplets of water fell on the baby's cheek. "Ah, yare-yare, it is raining."

He felt Kaoru's finger brush his cheek. "Iie, Soujiro-san." She gently said. She just wiped away his tears which he had not realized have started to fall. Soujiro held the baby closer to him as he allowed the tear to fall freely and for Kaoru to envelope him in a warm embrace.

He wasn't blood-related to Kenshin and Kaoru's son but Soujiro knew that if anything bad befalls to the baby, he'd go to the ends of the earth to make ensure that the cretin would pay. And as this thought crossed his mind, he was caught off-guard by this sudden protective instinct that had possessed him.

* * *

_Survival of the fittest. The strong shall live and the weak shall die._ This was Makoto Shishio's philosophy.

Looking at his hands, he wondered whether his mother had even felt the same protective instinct as well. He was as helpless as Kenji (Kenshin and Kaoru's son) at one point in his life. Would she have fought for him too had she been alive?

His hands. All his hands had ever felt was the weight of the sacks of rice he used to carry or weapons or the dead bodies he had to dispose of. Those were cold, lifeless and hard. Who would have thought that these hands would hold a warm, living, breathing human?

He held life for the first time, and it made him feel alive too.

He was absorbed in his own thoughts, he didn't sense Kenshin had come and sat beside him in the patio. Kenshin had brought cups of tea and dango.

"Ara, Himura-san, I didn't hear you," Soujiro remarked.

"Ah maaa, you were deep in your thoughts Soujiro-dono." Kenshin replied.

"I guess, my mind is noisy these past few days," Soujiro said. "Sometimes, it won't let me sleep." He exhaled as he looked at the crescent moon that hung in the sky. "The strong shall live and the weak shall die. Shishio-sama taught me that and I believed in it. Somehow I can't help but feel that it isn't right."

"Maaaa, the world isn't always black or white Soujiro-dono."

"If the strong shall live, does that mean infants should die? They are helpless and heavily dependent on someone until a certain age. Shouldn't there be someone who would protect and nurture an infant? Somehow, I find it…"

"Find it what?" Kenshin asked.

"Unjust." Soujiro finished.

"Soujiro-dono, when you were traveling, what have you noticed or seen? Soujiro looked at the older man quizzically, wondering if it was a rhetorical question. Kenshin was just quiet, waiting for him to give him an answer.

"On my first few months of wandering, I came across a group of farmers trying to push off their cart that got stuck in the mud. I had no intention of helping them. Truth be told, I found them pathetic. One of the farmers called me and asked for my help so I did. We were able to push off the cart and after that, one of the farmers invited me to spend the night with his family. I was baffled. How can they invite me, a total stranger, to just stay with them? Had they known I was Shishio-sama's right-hand man, would they have extended the same invitation?" Soujiro replied. "And yet, everywhere I go, I would always find myself being asked for help and being invited to stay over. I spent most of my days sleeping in the open, but I also find myself being given shelter by total strangers."

"Kaoru-dono welcomed me in her home despite knowing my past," Kenshin said. "She once said that a sword is a tool to save people with. I believe that."

"A sword is what kept me alive," Soujiro said. "Sometimes I wonder, would I have a different life had I not met Shishio-sama?" He mused.

"A sword is what kept me alive too." Kenshin recalled. "My master saved me from the bandits that pillaged our caravan and killed my companions. There are days I asked myself if I would be where I am right now had I listened to my master but I always arrived at the same conclusion that I am where I am now because of the choices I had made."

"I always believed that I didn't have a choice. I still do at times." Soujiro confessed. "Looking back, the moment Shishio-sama gave me my first sword the night we met, I was already being presented with a choice of what to do in life." He sighed. "I will always be grateful for Shishio-sama but I feel like I am beginning to question everything I learned and believed in."

"It isn't bad to ask questions. We all need a healthy dose of introspection." Kenshin said remarked. "I spent my youth trying to bring down a corrupt and oppressive government. In doing so, I spilled much blood. I cannot say what I did was right even if the circumstances called for it. I cannot erase what I have done, and I have always been seeking atonement for my sins. I vowed to use my strength to protect people especially the people I hold dear." Kenshin declared as he watched his wife and son on the other side of the open yard. "We cannot always view people as merely strong or weak. I'd like to think that we all have strengths and weaknesses. We depend on each other because our strengths complement the weakness of others and our weakness is complemented by others' strengths."

"I wish I have those wise words with me." Soujiro chuckled. Kenshin chuckled too.

"We all have a capacity for wisdom Soujiro-dono."

"Demo ne Himura-san, if you say that we all have weaknesses, won't it be a hindrance? As swordsmen, we are taught to find the weakness of our opponents and exploit it to our advantage." Soujiro questioned.

"One can never hide one's weakness even under a well-worn mask. We find strength in acknowledging that we have our own weakness. We do not deny it, but we embrace it, learn to adapt and improve on those areas where we are weak. We need other people to help us improve and grow."

"Is that why you vowed not to kill?" Soujiro asked.

"A sword gave us both life; If it wasn't for a sword, we both would have been dead. A sword is a tool meant to protect others, but it is also a tool of vengeance. Killing starts a never-ending cycle of hate and anger, and it consumes one's soul. A sword was placed on my hand and I was given a choice on what to do about it. Soujiro-dono, you have a sword in your hands now, what are you going to do with it now?"

Soujiro Seta has grown accustomed to living at the Kamiya dojo. The days he spent with Kenshin and his family gave him a semblance of peace and tranquility. He found an affinity for doing household chores, but his most favorite task is watching over little Kenji especially when Kaoru is teaching in the dojo. There was never a dull moment during mealtime especially when Yahikois present to pester Kaoru with his unsolicited comments on her "exceptional" cooking skills.

And so, it was with a heavy heart when Soujiro announced to his adoptive family that Saito has called him to travel again. It was a fine autumn day when Soujiro left Tokyo. The ladies of Akabeko-ya prepared for him a bento and various snacks he can take with him. Gensai-sensei packed for him some ointments and medicinal supplies he'd need on his travels. Kenshin and Kaoru gave him an envelope which he refused but the couple was adamant that he took it. Before leaving, Kaoru embraced him again and told him that he was always welcome at the Kamiya dojo. Kenshin asked the young man to write to them whenever he can.

Unlike the first time he set out on his journey, Seta Soujiro wasn't so empty anymore (literally and figuratively).

"Saaa, time to go. I wonder what road I shall take?"


	3. Chapter 3

**Black, White and the Gray in Between**

A Soujiro Seta-centric fanfiction

* * *

**Year Seven: But the truth is, I never really wanted to kill anybody.**

* * *

The gods must be toying with him. After all these years, he finds himself at the town where wheels of his fate had been set in motion. He vaguely remembers the town and the people living in it, but he was certain it wasn't as prosperous now than back in the days. The town was lively, and its people were busy going about their day.

He saw an old woman selling flowers on buckets. He greeted the old woman and bought two buckets of flowers. Going by his memory, he trekked a beaten path that led to the town's public cemetery. Upon entering the cemetery, he walked around for a bit until he found the grave marker that marked the lot where his mother was buried.

"Okaasan." The word sounded so foreign to him. He had very little memory of the woman who gave birth to him. "It has been a while. To think I'd visit this place in this season."

"I hope you are at peace okaasan." He bowed at the grave marker and then he took the other bucket of flowers. He resumed his journey to a place he knew all too well.

He found himself treading a familiar path. The sunny skies suddenly grew dark and suddenly, rain had fallen. As Soujiro walked the winding path towards his old house, he thought he had seen a younger version of himself walking ahead of him. His younger version was carrying a sack of rice on his back while it was raining hard.

As soon as he stood in front of an old and dilapidated house, thunder had struck, and the rainfall became heavy. He placed the bucket of flowers in front of the house. The smile that he usually wore was no longer visible. Blank, his expression was blank until he started to laugh. He laughed out loud as if he was going crazy. The irony of ironies. It was also raining the night he had killed his relatives.

"_Survival of the fittest."_Shishio always said. _"Kill or be killed."_

His mother died when Soujiro was very young. She contracted a disease and since they were poor, his mother never received medical treatment. His father, a wealthy rice miller found him and took the expense of burying his mother. His father brought him home to his house where his much older half-siblings lived. His father was advanced in age, but he never failed to dote on young Soujiro. Upon his father's death, his older half-siblings made him a personal servant and errand boy. He was told that he brought shame to their family. He suffered physical and emotional abuse from his relatives. He was told that he deserved it because he was a bastard and that his mother was a prostitute.

He witnessed Makoto Shishio slay someone in the woods near the storage house where he sleeps. He thought that he was going to die and quite frankly he didn't mind dying. He smiled as he faced the sword of the manslayer. Piqued at the boy's oddity, Shishio spared the boy's life and the boy took him and hid him. Soujiro brought him food, medicine and bandages. Shishio gave him a sword after learning that his relatives were abusing him.

On that fateful night, his relatives discovered that he was hiding the fugitive Makoto Shishio. His relatives wanted to kill him and to make his death appear as the work of the fugitive. They also intended to capture Makoto Shishio for the reward on his head. _Kill or be killed. Survival of the fittest._Soujiro thought he didn't mind dying but he soon realized that he wanted to live. Hiding underneath the house, he held on to the sword that Shishio gave him. One of his relatives found him and the carnage of the fateful evening began.

The laughter turned to shrieks of pain and agony. Soujiro felt like he was losing his mind. All that has happened was being replayed on his mind as if it happened just yesterday. He screamed as the thunder rolled on the horizon; the rain hiding his teas with its clear water.

"I NEVER WANTED TO KILL!"

Falling on to his knees, he buried his face on his hand and sobbed. "It wasn't my fault that I was born into this world. I never wanted your money or your house. I just wanted to be embraced and to be acknowledged that I exist." He wasn't very sure as to who he was directing those words. Was it to his mother who brought him to this world? To his father who abandoned him, found him and then died? Was it to his jealous relatives or even to Shishio who took him under his wing, and taught him that the strong shall live and the weak will die?

"I never wanted anything in this life. Why must I be born if I'd have to suffer for it?" Soujiro didn't know what he was feeling. Sadness? Regret? Bitterness? It really didn't matter. The moment he stood in this old place the floodgates of his emotions were let lose resulting to the mental breakdown he was experiencing.

But it didn't matter. As he knelt there crying, Seta Soujiro wasn't really sure of who he is anymore. For the first time in his many years of living, Seta Soujiro finally realized something…

…he is lost.

* * *

He didn't know how long he had knelt while sobbing. He was spent and he felt like every ounce of energy had left his body. He was sure that it was still raining heavily so why has it stopped raining on him. Looking up, he saw a hand holding an umbrella above his head. He then saw a young woman with black hair neatly braided behind her. She had cerulean eyes and for a moment Soujiro thought he had seen her somewhere before.

"You know, if you stay here like that, you'd catch a cold." She said cheekily. She extended a hand to him to help him get up. He took her hand and she help him to stand.

"Why are you here?" He asked.

"Oh, the local townsfolk said that this was haunted. I was looking for thrill and decided to drop by here. It was certainly creepy so imagine my shock when I heard shrieks and screams. I immediately hid on top of the trees and masked my ki. I thought you were a ghost." She replied. "What a fool I was." She then laughed.

"Gomenasai if you have heard anything I said."

"You were having a private moment. It should be me who should be apologizing." She countered. "Imagine my surprise though when I finally saw your face. Who would have thought I'd bump into Tenken no Soujiro?"

"EH?! You know me?" Soujiro said in surprise.

"Shigetsu Village. Himura fought you after he knocked out that cone-head thug of Makoto Shishio." She answered. It finally dawned on him as to where he had seen this young woman before.

"You are the kunoichi with Himura-san!"

"Yes!"

"Saito-san called you a weasel." He added and it sent the young woman fuming.

"Nani?!" She was about to punch him.

"Gomenasai, I didn't really catch your name back then." He apologized.

"Makimachi, Makimachi Misao. Okashira of the Oniwabanshu."

"Seta Soujiro. I go by that name nowadays."

Rays of sunlight began to peak behind the curtain of thick dark clouds. The rain had stopped falling. Misao closed her umbrella while Soujiro tried to feel the warmth of the sun on his face.

"Maaa, I must go ahead. I must have overstayed my welcome." She said politely.

"I'm about to leave too." Soujiro blurted.

"Well, shall we leave together then?" Misao invited.

A ray of sunlight illuminated the bucket of flowers he had placed in front of the house. He bowed and then followed Misao who just walked ahead of him.

* * *

Misao brought Soujiro to the inn where she was lodging with the hopes that the inn still has an available room for the wanderer. Unfortunately, all the rooms were fully booked because of obon. Misao volunteered to share her room with Soujiro much to the embarrassment of the latter. The innkeeper suggested to bring a divider to give each of them privacy especially when sleeping. Misao insisted and Soujiro hesitantly accepted the offer.

During dinner, Soujiro learned that Misao was working hand in hand with Hajime Saito. The local police force of Kyoto requested assistance from the Oniwabanshu about an illegal trading which happens to be tied with one of Saitou's ongoing cases. Misao also shared with him that ShinomoriAoshi was working on another case in Yokohama while the rest of the Oniwabanshu was busy patrolling Kyoto. After ShishioMakoto's attack seven years ago, the local government of Kyoto wasn't taking any chances. Misao apologized to Soujiro as well for being blunt and straightforward. He asked Misao as to why she decided to share the information with him.

"Well, Chou and The Mibu said that you are working with them." She simply replied. "Besides, Kaoru-san wrote to me as well that you stayed with them while you were in Tokyo and that was enough for me to know you are trustworthy."

"You know, I could be a double agent." He challenged, his smile never leaving his face. Misao looked at him seriously.

"Are you?" She challenged back and at that Soujiro was at a loss for words, but his smile never left his face.

"I told Himura before that it doesn't matter to me if he was the Battousai." Misao said as she recalled the memory of meeting HimuraKenshin on her way back to Kyoto. Little did she know, Soujiro dropped his smile and was closely observing her. "I met him as Himura the wanderer and that it didn't matter what happened before. What matters is who he is and what he is the moment I met him."

"Don't you think it's a bit naïve to think like that?" Soujiro asked.

"Probably." Misao answered and then she looked at him. "I'd like to believe that people are capable of changing for the better." Before Soujiro could even rebut, Misao had called the waitress and started ordering a second round of food. The moment Misao returned her attention to him, she was chattering away about some random incident that happened during one of her travels.

When they returned to their shared room, Misao set up the divider while he went to the common baths to take a dip on the hot spring. When he returned, Misao was fast asleep on her side. Before sleep overtook him, the last thoughts that lingered on his mind were Misao's words.

"_I'd like to believe that people are capable of changing for the better."_

The next day, one of Saito's agents found Soujiro at the inn. The agent delivered a letter from The Mibu containing instructions for his assignment. Apparently, the assignment will require him to work closely with Misao for they would be investigating the same case. Upon learning that they were working on the same case, Misao gladly shared information she has so far gathered. Soujiro was impressed with the amount of information the shinobi gathered. She admitted that her data have gaps which Soujiro was able to supply as he was able to gather information related to the case while he was on his journey to this town.

The next few days were spent trying to mingle with the people. They wanted to pass themselves as tourists to avoid suspicion. Misao exchanged her uniform for a yukata to make it more believable. In the years since the Kyoto siege, Misao matured not just physically but in her way of thinking and fighting. While her positive and often loud personality is ever-present, she already learned when to be more discreet. She became more observant and while her patience is easily tested, she knows when to let her anger out. She had the members of the Oniwabanshu, especially Okina and Shinomori Aoshi, to thank for.

Their days are usually spent on planning their actions and making sense of whatever information they gathered throughout their walks around the town. Their evenings were either spent on stake-out or loud dinners in the local restaurant. Misao was a favorite in the local restaurant because of her cheerfulness. Her warm and open personality is quite helpful especially in gathering information. The duo was able to gather enough intelligence and proof to recommend a course of action to Saito's representative. Provided with a group of policemen, Misao and Soujiro led a quiet strike to a location where a supposed illegal trade of drugs would take place. The strike was successful, and it led to the arrest of well-known drug dealers in the region.

While the police were processing the arrest and charges, Soujiro and Misao were being debriefed in the police captain's office. Saito arrived in the wee hours of the morning and commended their success (in his Saito-ish way). Misao was happy she could go back to Aoi-ya soon while Soujiro would resume his travels for his next assignment.

"We've got at least three days before you leave. I'm no hurry to go back to Kyoto so why don't we pamper ourselves?" Misao suggested. Soujiro welcomed the suggestion because somehow, he enjoyed the company of the young kunoichi.

* * *

The first day of their "vacation" was spent in the confines of their shared bedroom. Misao slept almost the whole day. The exhaustion of their intelligence gathering finally caught up with her. Soujiro stayed on his side of the bedroom. He was sitting by the window watching the sky and occasionally dozing off. When Misao woke up late in the afternoon, she was very hungry and demanded that they visit the restaurant to eat.

With their bellies full, Soujiro and Misao decided to enjoy the "night life" of the town. It was the first time Soujiro explored his hometown. He didn't know that the town was lively at night (then again, he wasn't really able to explore his hometown as a child). He was feeling bittersweet because none of this people ever knew he existed. None of them even helped him as a child, when he was still living in this town.

"Sou-kun…" Misao's gentle voice pulled Soujiro out from his bitter thoughts. He has grown accustomed to the nickname Misao has bestowed on him. In fact, he has grown fond of it (if he'd be honest to himself).

"Ara, gomenasaiMisao-san. I believe my mind was wandering." He tried to dispel the obvious worry that his companion has shown.

"Do you want to go back to the inn?" She was concerned.

"Demo saa, it's quite early and I think the festivities are just beginning."

"We still have tomorrow. I promise to wake up early." She was determined.

"I'm okay Misao-san, please do not worry…" He was in the middle of insisting to Misao that they proceed as they had planned when…

"Bo-ya, you look familiar." An elderly man said. Both Soujiro and Misao were cautious because they did not notice the old man who was standing in front of them. Soujiro feared that someone may have recognized him as Shishio's right-hand man. "Your eyes, they were similar to Yukina-san."

"Yukina-san?" Misao inquired as she looked at Soujiro.

"Yes. She was a beautiful young woman. Poor but beautiful, and kind-hearted. She used to work at the red-light district and eventually retired when she got pregnant by the head of the Seta family." The old man explained.

"How did you know Yukina-san?" Misao asked again.

"She used to work with me in a small restaurant in the outskirts of this town." The old man answered and then he sighed. "She left the red-light district after learning she was pregnant to start a new life. Seta-sama, while a rich widower, would not marry a prostitute. At least that was what she believed and what led her to leave. She bore a son with eyes as pretty as hers. Quite a lovely boy if you'd ask me. Too bad Seta-sama took the boy after Yukina-san passed away of the plague." There was a mournful look on the old man's face. "The last I heard of Seta-sama, he passed away of an illness too and the rest of his family, including Yukina's boy was massacred."

"Do you remember the name of the boy?" It was Soujiro who asked this time.

"Soujiro. We used to call him Sou-chan." The old man recalled. "Yukina-san would bring Sou-chan at the restaurant because no one can look after him." He smiled upon recalling a memory. "He used to hang around with me in the kitchens as I prepare the meals for the guests. Quite a helpful boy and he was very obedient."

Soujiro felt like his heart was about to burst from all the information he was hearing from this old man. He could not remember most of his childhood with his mother. All he could remember was his days at his father's household and his old life with Shishio. The story he was hearing was like the life of another boy who shared his name and the names of his dead mother.

"It just struck me young man to see your eyes. They reminded me of Yukina-san and her son. You see, I promised Yukina-san that I'd take care of her boy but all that changed when Seta-sama found them." He then smiled. "Never mind, I'm just an old man rambling."

The realization struck Soujiro. He could have had a different life altogether had his father never found him and his mother.

"You two enjoy the festivities of the town. Tomorrow's Obon. The local temple will host food and game stalls tomorrow evening." The old man said. "I better get on my way and please forgive this old fool for causing you both trouble." The old man bowed and then went on his way.

Misao, in her very short time of knowing the former Tenken, felt that she had invaded two very private moments of Soujiro's life (the first was at the old mansion and then this encounter with the old man). She was at a loss of what to say to her companion. She was unsure whether to talk to him, stay quiet or touch him to let him know that he isn't alone. In the end, she decided to just say something.

"Would you like to go somewhere?" She started. "I can go back to the inn myself if you want some time for yourself." No answer. She nodded at him and squeezed his arm to let him know she's going to give him time for himself. As she withdrew her hand from Soujiro's arm, the former Tenken held on to it. Misao was puzzled.

"Stay, please." His voice broke and his face that usually held a smile was now unreadable. Soujiro gently pulled her as he began walking. She did not know where they were headed but she followed. After what seemed an hour of walking, they reached a small waterfall. Misao caught her breath as she took in the beautiful sight before her. It was as if they were transported to a magical place. The waterfall was surrounded by fireflies.

"Oh, my goodness, how come people haven't discovered this place yet?" Misao exclaimed. Soujiro was still holding her hand.

"There isn't a trekking path leading to this place," Soujiro answered. "I discovered this place by accident. I wanted to hide from my relatives for just one moment and I came across this. This has been my secret hideout when I was a child."

Silence. Misao really didn't know what to say to her companion. All she could do was hold back his hand. She knew it wasn't enough, but she didn't have any wise words to say. She wasn't Himura or Okina. And while she may have grown up as an orphan, she grew up surrounded by people who dearly love her. Soujiro, on the other hand, was her extreme opposite. Orphaned, abused and saw the brutalities life has to offer.

"Tell me Misao-san, what is the point of all this?" Soujiro asked. "Of all times, why now?"

"Sou-kun…"

"I could have had a very different life." He said. His eyes were hidden from Misao's view. "I could have grown-up with that old man and could have had a normal life."

"I don't have the answers you seek Sou-kun." Misao answered honestly. "I don't have words of wisdom like Himura or Ji-ya. There are some things in my life that I am not proud of, that I am greatly sorry, and ashamed of but…" Misao was uncertain if she should continue. She had a different perspective after all, and she didn't want to offend Soujiro.

"But?' Soujiro waited.

"I just have to move forward."

What is it with people and moving forward? It greatly confused Soujiro. How can people move forward despite carrying heavy sins? His thoughts were filled with remorse and regret, of thoughts of what could have and what could have been. Can someone like him even learn how to move forward.

"In some way Sou-kun, you have taken your step to move forward." Soujiro snapped out of his thoughts. It was as if Misao read his thoughts. "You, Aoshi-sama, Himura. You all carry heavy burdens from your past, but you all chose a path to just keep moving forward. You chose to wander and to seek for answers. Aoshi-sama chose to meditate to find his inner peace and Himura, well, his journey certainly gave him his answers and opened a new path. You all haven't forgotten your past, but you haven't allowed your past to trap you in it." Misao said wistfully. "I guess, what sets Himura apart from you and Aoshi-sama is that he has learned to allow people to help him carry his burden."

For the second time in his life, Seta Soujiro did something unthinkable. He closed the distance between him and Misao and enveloped the young woman in a warm embrace.

"I am glad you are here Misao-san, that, truly I am." He whispered in her ears. "Arigato."

Misao encircled her arms around him in return. "We may not know each other that well but Sou-kun, you can find a friend in me okay? I'll be here." She said back to him.

_Warm._ He thought and he did not want to let go. He held her closer to him, grateful for her presence no matter how brief it was.

* * *

When they got back last night, Misao had held his hand and he didn't mind at all. In fact, he'd occasionally tighten his hold of her hand just to make sure that she was there beside him. She'd offer him a warm smile of reassurance that she wasn't going anywhere. The rest of the evening was spent in companionable silence. As he placed the divider between them, Misao unfolded her futon, laid on it and extinguished the light from her lamp.

Seven years into his wanderings, Soujiro had his first peaceful slumber.

When Soujiro woke up the next day, the divider separating their shared bedroom has already been kept. Misao's futon had been neatly folded and the kunoichi was nowhere to be seen. _Ara, I must have overslept._ Placing a hand on his head, Soujiro recalled how warm Misao was against his body. He decided to prepare for the day and to look for his friend. Knowing Misao, she would probably be at the restaurant.

After he has put on his day clothes, Soujiro opened the door. At the same time, Misao was about to open the door of their shared room. They were both startled but soon, laughter followed.

"Ah so sleepy head is finally up. You slept like a log by the way." Misao teased. It took a moment for Soujiro to react. It was as if he was seeing Misao for the first time. Her trademark braid was traded for a beautiful low bun. A comb with beautiful flower ornaments adorned the hair bun. She was wearing a deep purple yukata with white cherry blossom patterns.

"You know, its not normal to sleep-walk Seta." Misao's comment stirred him out of his thoughts.

"Ara, gomenasaiMisao-san. Ohayo gozaimasu. It's just that, there is something different with you today." Soujiro recovered. He was scratching his head having been caught staring at her.

"Oh this? I bought this earlier when you were snoring. I didn't have anything nice for Obon. I may not be able to visit Hanya, Beshimi, Hyottoko and Sekijou's grave but I can at least go to the temple and offer prayers for them. I just wanted them to know that I've grown up and I am capable of wearing more feminine clothes now." She explained.

"Sou da, today's Obon." Soujiro thought out loud.

"I just came back to check whether you are awake. Akiko-san from the restaurant has prepared your food if you are hungry. I'll be going to the temple then."

"Ano, Misao-san, may I ask if I can come with you?" Soujiro inquired.

"Silly Sou-kun, of course you can come!" Misao gleefully replied.

"But first, can you accompany me to the cemetery?"

Soujiro's day may have started late but he was glad that Misao would accompany him to his mother's grave. On their way, they bought a bucket of flowers, and they walked on companionable silence as they head towards the cemetery. Upon reaching the grave of Soujiro's mother, both Soujiro and Misao saw the old man they bumped into yesterday. The old man was as surprised as them, but a huge smile could be seen on his face as tears were falling from his eyes.

"So, you are indeed Yukina's little boy." He said as he held Soujiro's hand. "You survived…oh thank heavens, you have grown up to be a fine young man."

"Ojisan, gomenasai if I wasn't able to react to what you said yesterday." Soujiro apologized. "Truthfully, I barely remember you or even my mother."

"You were still very young back then." The old man said. "You are alive and for that I am grateful."

"Ojisan…" Soujiro started. He wanted to tell him that he wasn't a '_a fine young man'_, that his hands are tainted with blood and that he has sins too great for forgiveness. The old man waited for him to continue what he was going to say. Soujiro struggled to find the words. He felt a gentle squeeze on his arm, Misao looked at him and nodded. Somehow, the look he got from Misao gave him courage.

Misao knew that what will be said between Soujiro and the old man was not for her to be heard. She squeezed Soujiro's arm hoping that it would give him the courage to give words to the thoughts she knew the young man was struggling to make sense. She was rewarded with a smile from Soujiro. She excused herself from the old man and decided to wait somewhere out of earshot.

He and the old man whose name is ironically Niji Okubo, sat in front of her mother's grave. It was approaching noon, but the heat of the sun is shielded by the dark clouds looming in the horizon. He told the tale of his life to his supposed guardian, Soujiro did not dare to look at him. Fear, he was afraid to the old man's reaction. He feared to see rejection, disgust, and anger from the old man.

As Soujiro bared his life, Niji Okubo sat in silence, afraid to look at the young man beside him. His heart ached and broke for his supposed ward and regret began to fill him. He should have stopped Seta from taking the child away from him. He may be poor, but he was certain he would have provided a better life to the young man. He felt anguish, for failing his friend and her son.

"I would understand if I disgust you now." Soujiro ended. The old man had a surprised looked on his face but Soujiro didn't see it.

"Life can be ruthless, and I am sorry I wasn't there when you needed protection the most." The old man answered. It was Soujiro's turn to look at the old man. Remorse could be seen all over his face. "We make choices that can damn us boy. I certainly made a choice that cost you your childhood." The old man faced Soujiro and what he did next caught Soujiro off-guard.

_Dogeza. _Soujiro thought. Why would this old man bow so low and beg for his forgiveness? He didn't know what to do and the shock from the old man's action froze him on his spot.

"Bo-ya, would you ever forgive this old fool? I should have fought for the right to raise you. Your mother left the responsibility of your care to me. My will faltered in claiming your guardianship because I thought Seta-sama could give you a better, comfortable life."

Soujiro bowed to the old man too. "Please forgive me." He said. "It was not my intention to burden you with my sins."

Niji Okubo straightened himself. "We all have our sins bo-ya..." He gently said as he touched Soujiro. It made Soujiro to look up, to look up at his supposed guardian. "…some are much too big for us to carry. I am just glad that the gods are giving me a chance to seek repentance. My life will soon be gone but, if you will allow me, if you will give me chance, can I fulfill the role your mother had asked from me?"

"But, I am no longer that boy you remember." Soujiro countered. "I have murdered people."

"What matters is who you are now." The old man simply replied.

_I'd like to believe that people can change for the better._

_I just have to move forward._

As Misao's words ring in the thoughts of Seta Soujiro, he allowed himself to be embraced but the old man who knew him as a child and who now knows him as a young man struggling to carry the weight of his sins on his shoulders. He cried. His tears were for his mother whom he thought he hadn't mourned, for his lost childhood, for his sins, for the lives he took unwillingly, and for himself.

Soon as Niji Okubo and Seta Soujiro stepped out of the cemetery, they were greeted by Misao who was carrying food and refreshments for them. After eating, they took a short walk towards the temple. Niji Okubo opted to take a rest in one of the temple's benches as Misao and Soujiro climbed the stairs. Misao offered prayers for Hanya, Hyottoko, Beshimi and Shikijo. She prayed for Aoshi and her family in Kyoto and Tokyo (the Kenshin-gumi). Soujiro on the other hand prayed for her mother, her relatives, for all who had perished by his hand, for Shishio, Yumi and Houjo. After praying, they went back to Niji Okubo. Light conversation and frequent laughter filled the rest of the evening as they waited for the fireworks to light up the sky.

Seven years into wandering and Soujiro found something he never thought he'd find: Repentance and forgiveness.

Before they parted, Soujiro asked for Niji Okubo's address and he promised to write to him. He also promised to visit as often as he can. Niji Okubo was delighted to hear it and embraced Soujiro one more time.

And as sleep claimed Seta Soujiro that evening, he felt light as a feather.

* * *

_Departures. _Soujiro felt his heart constrict as he watched Misao check her bags one last time. They were at the lobby of the inn, waiting for Misao's carriage to arrive (courtesy of The Mibu). A part of him wanted to pull Misao and beg her to stay for just one more day but her smile showed how eager she was to be back to her home.

"Saaa, Sou-kun, I will go ahead. If ever you are in Kyoto, visit the Aoi-ya okay?" Misao said cheerfully.

"I'll look forward to visiting you there, that is, if I'd be welcomed."

"Of course, you are!" Misao excitedly declared.

"Misao-san, arigato." Soujiro was rewarded with a smile and he felt his heart skipped a beat. That smile, he'll definitely miss it. It was that smile that carried him through when he thought he'd be eaten by the uproar of emotions and thoughts from within him.

"Silly Sou-kun. No need to thank me. That is what friends do. They have each other's backs."

The carriage arrived. Soujiro held Misao's hand as he assisted her on getting in the carriage. His hand lingered and it's as if Misao didn't mind at all. Somewhere inside of him, a voice was telling him not to let go, but he did. He closed the carriage's door and watched it move away until it was no longer visible in his line of sight.

He looked at his hand, the hand the held her hand and smile graced his handsome face.

These hands of his, it used to hold lifeless objects. Now, now it knows how to hold a child, to hold another living, breathing human. He held life on his hands.

Closing his hands, Soujiro looked at the horizon. "I wonder where I will go next?"


	4. Chapter 4

**Black, White and the Gray in Between**

A Soujiro Seta-centric fanfiction

* * *

**Year Nine:**

* * *

Seta Soujiro found himself at the entrance of Kamiya Dojo. After two years spent on the road (and gathering intelligence for Saito), he found himself back in Tokyo. A boy with red hair saw him and quickly ran to him.

"Soujiro-niisan!"

"Uwaaa, Kenji-chan? My, my you surely have grown up while I was travelling." Soujiro knelt down to pick up the boy. "It's funny you still remember me though. You were still very little when I left."

"Okaerinasai Soujiro-kun!" Came the gentle greeting of HimuraKenshin. As usual, he was carrying a basket of laundry.

"Kenshin-san konnichiwa, and gomenasai for coming unannounced." Soujiro said apologetically. Kenji on the other wand was busy pulling his hair.

"Well, somebody needs a haircut." Came Kaoru's cheery voice. She came out of the dojo and walked towards them. "Okaerinasai Soujiro-kun."

"Hello Kaoru-san and gomenasai if I will impose on your hospitality again." Soujiro bowed.

"Nonsense, you are always welcome here at the Kamiya Dojo!" Kaoru declared. "Well, don't just stand there you, smiling fool! Get in." She ordered and Soujiro obeyed. He was still carrying Kenji who seemed to have found a new toy in Soujiro's hair.

Tea was served in the receiving room and the three adults got lost in conversation while Kenji fell asleep on Soujiro. Kenshin thanked Soujiro for regularly writing and confessed that they do read some of his letters as a "sleepy time" story for Kenji. Kaoru mentioned how envious Misao was that they received letters from Soujiro but Misao realized that she failed to provide him an address. At the mention of Misao's name, Soujiro's heart felt like it was going to burst out of his chest and slight blush graced his face. It did not go unnoticed by Kenshin and Kaoru.

Dinner that evening was grand. Tae and Tsubame brought a feast to officially welcome Soujiro. Yahiko, Yutaro and Gensai-sensei were all present. Stories were exchanged and laughter echoed throughout the dojo. Soujiro looked around him, he found a home amongst his former enemies. Enemies turned friends.

Was this how it felt to have a place to belong to?

Was this the love and acceptance he was seeking?

Lost in his thoughts, Soujiro was startled when Yahiko shoved on his hand a cup of sake. "Oi, Seta don't just stare out into space!" Yahiko taunted. "Drink it up man! It's not a welcoming party without sake."

"Demo saaa Yahiko-kun, I don't really drink sake." So much for declining because the bottle of sake was shoved on his face by none other than HimuraKenshin.

He didn't know how much sake he drank but when Soujiro woke up the next day he was nursing a bad headache. Hangover as what Kenshin told him as he was served warm tea and soup in his room. Soujiro wondered how the hell Kenshin could still get up early after drinking "insane" amounts of sake.

"Be grateful Sano is not around." Was all Kenshin's response to Soujiro's unspoken question.

Life at the Kamiya Dojo was never dull. One insult from Yahiko was all it took for the perfect chaos to begin. Despite being married and a mother, Kaoru still had the penchant for beating her students for every insult he throws at her. _'I guess there are some things that never change' _He thought.

He took delight in baby sitting Kenji which Kenshin and Kaoru graciously accepted. Kenji was fond of Soujiro. Kaoru said that it must have been the letters they read to him. Kenji must think of Soujiro as this great adventurer, a hero in a story. Soujiro laughed at the thought but he was more than happy to look after Kenji.

"Misao visited us last year." Kaoru said. It was just her, Soujiro and Kenji. Kenshin was out in the market while Yahiko was at heAkabeko. Yutaro on the other hand was taking care ofbusiness matters. Kaoru was stroking Kenji's hair who was sleeping on her lap.

"Is she well Kaoru-san?" Soujiro inquired.

"Yes, she is very well. Spunky as ever." Kaoru laughed. "She told us that you both worked on a case and it went well."

"Is that all she said?"

"Yes, although I felt there was something more. Despite her unabashed positivity, Misao is trustworthy and dependable." Kaoru commented.

"That she is." Soujiro agreed. The image of Misao's smile is forever etched in his memories.

"She came quite unexpected you know. We all thought that there was trouble in Aoi-ya but she said she just needed time for herself." Kaoru added. "I'm glad she was able to get back on her feet and she returned to Aoi-ya. I greatly miss her."

"I miss her too." Soujiro said and it greatly surprised Kaoru. "I've debated with myself a lot of times whether I should go back to Kyoto and pay her a visit. Sometimes, I often wondered if I should send her a letter to let her know I am okay." Soujiro smiled. "But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I know she said that we are friends but in the short time we were together, she has become more than a friend to me." Soujiro admitted. "But knowing what I had done, knowing how much blood is on my hands, I don't think I even deserve the friendship she offers." Soujiro looked at his hands and then he tightly closed it.

Kaoru can sympathize with what the young rurouni is going through. She did dance that same dance with Kenshin years ago.

"Soujiro-kun, gratitude, trust, kindness, friendship, forgiveness, and love are gifts people freely offer. We all feel that we don't deserve such gifts, but there isn't anything wrong in accepting what was being offered especially if you know you have the capacity to reciprocate it. Living with Kenshin all these years made me realize that our biggest enemies has always been ourselves. We either think we don't deserve, or we deserve something based on conditions we see. The truth is, there are no conditions for these. These are gifts that a person may choose to freely give."

Kaoru's words left Soujiro wide awake that evening. Sleep eluded him and his conversation with Kaoru is being replayed on his thoughts. Looking back on his journey, he wondered if he has received the gifts Kaoru has mentioned.

_Gratitude when the farmer gave him a shelter for that night. _

_Trust when Saitou made him realize that he always had a choice._

_Kindness when Kenshin and Kaoru welcomed him in their home; when they made him feel part of a family._

_Friendship when Kenshin would always listen to him or whenever Kaoru would strike-up a conversation with him, or when Yahiko poked fun at him sometimes; When Misao stayed with him as his past have caught up with him. _

_Forgiveness when Niji Okubo embraced him._

_Love…_

Soujiro sighed. That must be the gift he may never receive at all.

* * *

Soujiro's life in Tokyo is something he had not imagined he'd ever have. Gensai-sensei has requested if he could help out in the clinic (since Megumi is in Aizu and is a practicing doctor there) which he gladly accepted. The old doctor offered to pay him, but he declined (Gensai-sensei gave the money to Kaoru who kept it secretly from Soujiro. Knowing the young man may decide to travel again, both Gensai-sensei and Kaoru thought he'd need the money eventually). Since Soujiro often wears a smile, children were instantly attracted to him. Aside from running errands for Gensai-sensei, Soujiro also became the playmate of the children being brought in the clinic. He'd be with the children if they would undergo a procedure and would cheer for them whenever they are afraid.

In all the years of his medical practice, Gensai-sensei has never seen his courtyard filled with so many children. Even if they don't have an appointment with the doctor, the children would just visit to play with Soujiro. Gensai-sensei was contemplating opening a daycare center since Soujiro is an instant favorite of the children.

'_You can never judge a book by its cover.'_ The old doctor mused. Who would have thought that this smiling fool playing with children was Shishio's ruthless right-hand man? But then again, with the effeminate looking and gentle Kenshin, you'd never even associate the legendary Battousai with him.

Soujiro, on the other hand, marveled at the wide eyes of the children. Whenever he would look at them, he felt light and warm. He marveled at how easily these children could trust other people. _'It's because they haven't been tainted yet by this world.'_ He would sometimes think, but deep down, he also knew that these children had been born in a much peaceful era. It shook him to his very core to know that should Shishio's plan have come to fruition, these children would have been presented with the life he had gone through.

"_Never again."_ He said to himself.

* * *

After nine years of traveling, Seta Soujiro finally witnessed another death unfold before his eyes. There was an old man (much older than Gensai-sensei or even Niji Okubo) who was confined in the clinic. He has been helping in looking after the patient. The old man had two grandchildren would often visit him. Soujiro had befriended these children. The old man was getting weaker by the day and Gensai-sensei had told him that there was nothing they can do for him but at least ease the pain. The man has refused to eat already and had been sleeping more often until one day, in a weak voice, he begged Soujiro to call his grandchildren.

The old man said his goodbyes while the children were all crying. Gensai-sensei and Soujiro were also with them. As the old man took his last breath, Soujiro took the children in his arms and allowed them to cry their eyes out.

What struck the young rurouni was how peaceful the old man looked upon his death.

"The man lived a full life." Kenshin said. He had shared what had happened to the older, former rurouni while they were having tea that evening in the porch.

"But he died." Soujiro countered. "What does it mean to live if we will all going to die eventually?"

"Soujiro-kun, what did you notice when the old man passed away?" Kenshin inquired.

"He looked peaceful." Was his easy answer.

"And why do you think he looked at peace?" Kenshin followed-up.

Soujiro looked at his hands. He could still feel the weight and warmth of the old man's grandchildren.

"As long as those children lives, that old man's memories will live on." Kenshin said as he sipped his tea.

* * *

_What does it mean to live? _

That evening, as Soujiro lay on his futon wide awake, the philosophy of Makato Shishio was being broken to him one by one.

_**The strong will live, the weak shall die.**_

'_But people have great capacity for strength when they come together. It is one of the first things I have seen when I began my journey.'_

_**Survival of the fittest.**_

'_Who am I to decide who survives?'_

_**What does it mean to live then?**_

_To live is to make the best out of nothing._

_To live is to learn how to rely on each other. _

_To live is to move forward._

_To live is to make memories that will last even after the light of life has been extinguished._

Somehow, Seta Soujiro felt like he had the answers he needed but, he knows that he is still missing an important piece. As sleep claimed his consciousness, he entered his dreams with a certain kunoichi greeting him with that smile he had longed to see.

* * *

The clinic was full of patients one day. As spring gives way to summer, many people have contracted the seasonal flu. Gensai-sensei explained to him that as seasons change, the human body's immune system try to cope with the change thus making it vulnerable to viral infections. Adults and children alike experienced flu in different degrees. At the end of the day, Gensai-sensei had instructed him to run to the chemist to procure more medicines for flu since their supplies were running low. After he has completed his errands and have cleaned up in the clinic, Soujiro set out to return to the dojo.

As soon as he entered the house, he heard a very familiar voice. It was the voice he had not heard in two years. Quickly removing his shori, he ran to the receiving room and opened it hastily. His eyes widened in surprise as he saw Makimachi Misao with Kaoru, Kenshin and Kenji.

"Okaerinasai Soujiro-kun!" Kaoru greeted. "Misao-chan is going to be staying with us for a few weeks. I believe I mentioned it to you before."

Misao stood from her seat and walked towards Soujiro. "We meet again Sou-kun. Sorry but I'll be barging in for a couple of weeks." She cheekily greeted. Soujiro didn't know what force possessed him but he pulled Misao towards him and locked her in an embrace.

Kenshin and Kaoru exchanged knowing glances whereas Misao was surprised. Despite of it, she hugged Soujiro in return.

During dinner, Misao chatted away with everyone, specifically with Soujiro, as if making for lost time. Soujiro was just happy, and he listened intently to everything she said. She explained that she had business to take care in town and the updated them about everyone in Aoi-ya. He heard how Shinomori Aoshi still spends time meditating but has begun to be an active member of the Oniwabanshu again. She told them of the beautiful western-inspired dress she saw in Yokohama and how much she wanted to try it on.

Kenji walked towards Misao and made himself comfortable on her lap. Misao spoke to Kenji, asking the boy questions while Kenji chatted (more like garbled) since he was still learning to speak. Misao then took a paper pinwheel from her small bag and gave it to the boy who in return squealed in delight.

Soujiro inquired as to when Misao would be returning to Kyoto.

"Ah before Obon. I'll be visiting Hanya, Besshimi, Hyottoko and Shikijo's graves with Aoshi-sama." She replied. "Besides, Ji-ya will go nuts if I don't return with the souvenir he requested."

* * *

And a new normal was introduced in Soujiro's life in the weeks of Misao's stay at the Kamiya Dojo. He'd get up early in the morning and beat Kenshin in preparing the breakfast (which Kenshin welcomed very much). Misao was usually up early since her meetings at the police headquarters often start early. When she has spare time, she drops by Gensai-sensei's clinic to help or play with the children together with Soujiro. They would come back together to the dojo. Sometimes, when Misao returns home late, Soujiro would wait for her by the river near the dojo with a lantern on his hand. Upon seeing him, Misao would wave and run towards him. They'd ask each other what happened with their day and would just talk while they walk back to the dojo.

Kenshin had noticed that Soujiro had been much happy around Misao. He appears more relaxed and more gregarious. He and his wife shared the same observation although Kaoru knew much earlier that the young rurouni may have deeper affections for Misao. Yahiko, given that he is in a relationship with Tsubame, could tell the tell-tale signs that the former-Tenken may be holding a torch for Misao. Unfortunately for Yahiko, his attempts to tease Soujiro usually fails since Kaoru would often chastise him by hitting him with a shinai.

One fine Saturday, Kaoru requested for Soujiro and Misao to buy food supplies in the market. The two happily obliged and set out to accomplish their task. Misao asked him question after question about what he has been doing in the past two years and the months prior to their "reunion" at the dojo. She was ecstatic to hear that Soujiro kept in contact with Niji Okubo (and at the same time, she almost beat to a pulp Soujiro as to why he had not written her a single letter). He shared with her the amazing places he had seen while gathering information for Saito.

"Sugoi!" Misao exclaimed. "I do miss traveling you know but I have been swamped with work lately."

"Kaoru-san said you visited them last year too. Was it also for work?" Soujiro inquired. He then noticed a bittersweet smile on his friend's face.

"Not really." She answered. "I just needed time to be away from Aoi-ya to figure things for myself."

"Have you figured it out?" He asked.

"I think I have. It's much easier to work with Aoshi-sama now without feeling awkward or resentful." She replied. _Shinomori-san? What had he done to Misao-san? _Soujiro wondered. Misao noticed the concerned look on Soujiro. Misao lightly laughed.

"Don't look so concerned. He didn't do anything." Misao assured him. "Sometimes, I live in my head too much, I fail to see what's around me." She smiled wistfully and then she closed her eyes as if trying to remember something.

"If you ever need to talk Misao-san, I don't mind listening." Soujiro offered. Misao looked at him tentatively, as if trying to analyze whether he was serious about his offer. Soujiro offered his most sincere smile, assuring her that he wanted to listen.

Truthfully, Soujiro felt indebted to Misao. The moment he admitted he was lost, it was as if she was sent to journey with him no matter how brief their time together was.

"Aoshi-sama was the one who raised me up. My parents got killed in a mission and as my father's successor, he took it as his responsibility to raise me. Along the way, he took members of the Oniwabanshu unfit to rejoin the society and created a mercenary group for hire." Misao began. "He left me under the care of my guardian, Okina. He thought that life on the road was no life for someone like me." She bitterly smiled as she was recalling events from her past. "When I met Himura along the road to Kyoto, I was traveling at that time looking for Aoshi-sama and his group. It was Himura who told me that Hanya, Beshimi, Hyottoko, and Sekijou were all dead. They died saving Aoshi-sama from a Gatling gun. Aoshi-sama blamed himself for their deaths and he was hell-bent on defeating Himura because he thought that it would bring honor to our fallen comrades."

"I was the one who invited him to join the Juppongatana." Soujiro admitted. He felt like throwing up because in some way, he had already hurt his precious friend.

"I know." Misao replied. Soujiro was startled. He couldn't dare look at her. "But, he came back and that's what matters. You are changing and that's what's important." She declared. "I love Aoshi-sama, not just because he was my guardian but I love him with all my heart."

Soujiro felt something inside him break. He didn't know what but he felt like his insides were being torn apart. Despite feeling torn inside, Soujiro wanted to be there for one of the people he has considered special to him. Soujiro felt the urge to say something to comfort his friend but Misao began to speak again.

"Aoshi-sama does not feel the same. He loves me but not as a man would love a woman. I expected him to say that, but you know when I heard that from him, I still couldn't stop myself from breaking inside. I did my best to act as if nothing has changed after he has said that but I was far to hurt. I had to leave just so I can heal, to find myself again. I've devoted most of my life for him and since he doesn't love me the way I love him, somehow, I kind of lost myself." Misao explained. "So I sought shelter here in Tokyo for a couple of weeks just so I can clear my head. It was helpful and it made dealing with Aoshi-sama every day better."

"Misao-san, Aanou…" Soujiro struggled to find the words to comfort his friend.

"Daijobu Sou-kun. That was a year ago. We all learn to move on." Misao assured him and she began walking ahead of him.

_I'm here for you._ Soujiro wanted to say as he watched Misao walk ahead of him; however, he was unsure whether that was the right words he truly wanted her to hear.

* * *

Misao left for a meeting right after lunch whereas Soujiro offered to baby sit Kenji. Kenshin and Kaoru were going to town for a much needed "time alone" and promised to be back before dinner. He observed how Kenshin looked adoringly at Kaoru when they were leaving the dojo. Soujiro wondered if he had ever worn the same expression the former Battousai has whenever he was looking at his wife.

"Foolish thoughts! Aaaa, Kenji-kun, do you think I'd be accepted just like your otousan if I ever learn what love is?" He asked the toddler who was comfortably sitting on his lap. The toddler looked at him and just smiled.

"Mi-neechan!" Kenji squealed as she saw Misao enter the dojo. He got up from Soujiro's lap and ran towards the open arms of Misao who scooped him up and kissed him on the cheek.

"Tadaima Kenji-kun, Sou-kun!" Misao greeted. "Ah, Himura and Kaoru-san are not here?" She inquired as she made her way towards Soujiro. She took a seat beside the former Tenken. Kenji on the other hand crawled back to Soujiro's lap.

"They went to town together. They said they'd be back before dinner." Soujiro explained.

"Sou da ne, taking a break from all this parenting and dojo stuff." Misao commented. "I envy Kaoru-san sometimes. Lucky girl! She has Himura for a husband."

"I was thinking the same about Himura earlier." Soujiro added. "What a lucky fellow to find a kind woman like Kaoru-san."

"Ah, well, Himura just has to bear Kaoru-san's cooking." Misao joked and it made Soujiro laughed in agreement.

"Seeing them made me wonder if I'd ever find someone too you know." Soujiro mused. "Knowing how bloody my past was, I wonder if anyone would even find me an honorable man."

"You know Sou-kun, the real question you should be asking is this. If and when you find that someone, are you already at peace with yourself? It's a different thing to be accepted for who and what you are, it's another thing to accept yourself for whom, and what you were and have become." Misao said. Deep down, Soujiro knew that his friend (his most special friend) have a very valid point.

"Ne, Misao-san, tell me, does it feel good to be loved?" Soujiro asked out of the blue as he was stroking the head of Kenji who had fallen asleep on his lap. Misao blinked her eyes twice to make sure she was hearing the question from the man beside him. She was speechless, not because she does not have an answer but because she was realizing how deep the scars the man beside him has on his soul. Misao felt so overwhelmed, tears had started to fall from her eyes.

Soujiro was caught by surprise when Misao threw her arms around him, careful not to disturb the sleeping child on his lap. He was happy Misao wasn't looking because his usually smiling face bares a very surprised look. "Mi…Misao-san…" He whispered.

"Sou-kun…" Misao tried her best to think coherently. She knew what Soujiro had gone through. She heard it all that day at the old mansion. She was ransacking her brains for the words to say. Every fiber of being feels for the pain, loss and brokenness of the man in her arms. Misao felt tears from her eyes and pulling Soujiro closer to her as if trying to tell him that he is dearly loved.

Soujiro slowly wrapped his arms around Misao for he felt his friend shivering, not because of the cold but he knew that his friend was crying. He couldn't understand why she was crying but his conscience was telling him that she was crying for him. He held her close to him, the only person apart from Yumi or Shishio who truly knew of his dark childhood.

"Arigato, Misao-san." He whispered. His heart was swelling and his whole being is filled with warmth.

* * *

Kenshin and Kaoru noticed a significant change between their Soujiro and Misao. On the surface, it seemed like they were their usual cheerful selves but the couple couldn't shake the feeling that the pair of friends have somewhat grown closer compared to before. Kenshin or Kaoru would often observe how Soujiro would look at Misao with adoration. Misao, on the other hand, would lightly blush whenever he sees Soujiro looking at her, but she would always smile at him. Whatever idea Kenshin and Kaoru had, they kept it to themselves.

As the days progress and the day of Misao's departure for Kyoto nears, Soujiro chose to spend much of his spare time with her. He didn't know how long it would take him to see Misao again. _"Unless you go with her."_ His thought, but Soujiro shrugged it off. _"She's too good for you."_ He debated. Soujiro realized that he had been debating with himself more frequently. He wanted to be with Misao but at the same time, he feels like he can't be with her. He really didn't understand what the matter with him was.

He was standing by the river banks near the Kamiya Dojo waiting for Misao. She would be home late as she was wrapping up her meetings in town. Misao would be leaving Tokyo for Kyoto the next day. This would be the last night he'd get to this and deep down, he was already dreading what was coming tomorrow. As soon as he saw Misao approached him, he did his best to smile. He was rewarded with a smile from her as she ran to close the gap between them.

"Sorry to keep you waiting, Sou-kun." Misao apologized.

"Do not worry Misao-san, it's a pleasure to do this always." He said honestly. A single firefly flew between them and they exchanged knowing glances. Soujiro lowered the lantern he was carrying and soon, fireflies came out surrounding them.

"Kirei!" Misao gasped.

"Hai, beautiful," Soujiro commented but he was looking at Misao. Somehow, he was trying his best to memories every feature and every expression of Misao. He held Misao's hand which caught the young woman by surprise. It made Misao to look at him. He placed Misao's hand on his cheek as he closed his eyes, relishing on the warmth her hand has given.

"Nee, Misao-san, do you think if you still have space in your heart, would you mind giving that space to me?" Misao's eyes widened in surprise upon hearing his words. She didn't say anything but she caressed Soujiro's cheek as Soujiro held it gently. She inched closer to Soujiro and placed a light kiss on his other cheek.

The feel of Misao's lips on his cheek sent Soujiro's senses into hyperdrive. He felt his breath caught in his lungs and his heart pumping. It was light yet it was enough to send shockwaves in every fiber of his being. Misao looked at him and smiled as she pulled his hand as if telling him it was time to move forward.

And as Soujiro relayed what had happened to Kenshin when they were having tea later that evening, he was rewarded by a hearty laugh from the former rurouni who gave him another shot at life. Soujiro was confused but somehow, his gut was telling him that the red-head knew what was happening to him.

"Mou, Himura-san, I'd appreciate it if you could tell me what's wrong." Soujiro pleaded.

"Soujiro-kun, nothing is wrong." Kenshin assured him. "But even if I knew what is happening, there are some things that you should discover for yourself." The red-head's word puzzled him but Soujiro knew that what Kenshin said made perfect sense.

So sleep eluded him that night. His hand was on the cheek where he felt Misao's lips. _"I could get used to that"_ but he signed knowing the Misao was leaving. He got up his futon and thought that staying outside his room might help him put his mind and heart at ease.

He walked around the quiet hallways of the machiya. He saw the lamp in Kenshin and Kaoru's room still open. They were putting Kenji to sleep. He could hear Kaoru singing a lullaby to Kenji and it brought a smile on his face. As soon as the lullaby ended, he heard the couple bid their good nights to Kenji.

"Aishiteru Kenji-chan, oyasumi nasai." Kaoru said.

As he passed by the entrance of the dojo, he caught sight of Yahiko and Tsubame who were cleaning the dojo. They had a send-off dinner for Misao so Tae-san and Tsubame of Akabeko-ya visited to join them for the send-off. Yahiko and Tsubame were the ones relegated to clean after losing to Soujiro and Misao in a game. He felt like he invaded their privacy but he knew he wasn't noticed. He saw the usually shy Tsubame place a soft kiss on Yahiko's cheeks and it made the younger man smile wide. He also became extra motivated to clean. Soujiro somewhat knew the feeling. If it wasn't improper, he would've scooped Misao on his arms earlier and he'd carry her until they reached the dojo. What caught Soujiro's attention was when he heard Yahiko say "I love you" to Tsubame. He stayed rooted on his spot, his heart beating wildly on his chest as he placed his hand on it. Everything that wasn't making sense earlier suddenly had order and the realization hit him like the crashing waves of the ocean…

…Seta Soujiro is in love.


	5. Chapter 5

**Black, White and the Gray in Between**

A Soujiro Seta-centric fanfiction

* * *

Soujiro and the rest of the Kenshin-gumi were at the train station saying their good-byes to Misao. Soujiro stood at the back of the group, quietly watching Misao as she smiled and exchanged good-byes with the others. He could faintly hear her saying to the others to come and visit her in Kyoto soon. He was absorbed in his own thoughts that he didn't notice the subject of his thoughts was standing in front of him.

"Earth to Sou-kun." Misao called out. "Aren't you even saying good bye?" She teased. Soujiro did her best to reward her with a smile. He knew he smiled but his heart was heavy.

"Nee, Misao-san, do you think…do you think…" he struggled to find the words to say to her. Who knew that proclaiming you love to someone would be so damn hard?

"I'd feel bad if you don't write to me." Misao started. "And I promise to hunt you down if you fail to visit me in Kyoto." She added. She was dead serious and Soujiro felt the gravity of her words. "I look forward in welcoming you in my home."

Soujiro was unable to mask his surprise upon hearing her words. She was smiling and Soujiro knew that what she said was her reply to what he had asked a couple of nights back. It was an exchange only the two of them could understand. The train's whistle echoed throughout the station signaling that it was about to leave.

Misao was looking out of the window waving good bye to her friends as the train started moving. Soujiro walked and ran until the end of the platform. The train tracks stretched before him and the sky was clear. As he stood there watching the train Misao had ridden, he knew that he had to make a choice.

"_To Kyoto."_

* * *

**Every journey opens a new path**

* * *

_**What does it mean to live?**_

_**To live is to make the best out of nothing.**_

Soujiro stood before the opening of a cave at Mt. Hiei. This was his home before and now, it laid in ash and ruin. He placed a bucket of white flowers on it.

"Shishio-san, you may think me as weak now but I have discovered my own path. I'll always be grateful to you, for giving me a chance at life." The warm summer breeze blew past him. "Please find peace in the afterlife together with Yumi-san."

He turned away from the cave and started his trek down back to town. Seta Soujiro found himself smiling (genuinely) more often now. His journey to discover his own path has opened a new path for him to travel. As he watched the town bustle into life, Soujiro remembered that there was a moment in his life when he almost helped destroy the peaceful town before his sight. He was full of remorse for what he did but he vowed to himself that he'd help protect this town to the best of his abilities. _This is my atonement._

Of course, not everyone in Kyoto welcomed him. Some were still very fearful and doubtful of him. He really couldn't blame them and he did not care of what they thought of him. What matters to him is what _she thinks of him and how she matters to him the most._ The world could fade but she will never fade in his life.

His friend, his best friend to be exact.

His lover.

His wife.

"Oi Soujiro where have you been?" Came Shirojo's greeting. "The okashira was looking for you before she left for the temple."

"_Some things never change."_ Soujiro cheerfully thought.

"Ara ohayo Shirojo-san. I just needed to visit a place to pay my respects." He answered. Shirojo knew where the young man went and just gave him a friendly nod. "Is Misao-san in the temple to bring Shinomori-san's tea?" He inquired.

"Geez, you are such a polite man. You are still using honorifics. The okashira is you wife ne? " Shirojo teased and it made Soujiro blush. The thought that Misao had agreed to marry him still makes him feel like he is on cloud nine.

"I guess some habits are difficult to break." Soujiro commented. "Ara, I better go and wait at the temple. It'll save us both from her temper if she fails to find me ne?"

_**To live is to learn how to rely on each other.**_

Two years ago, Soujiro decided to follow Misao in Kyoto. It was a decision he had made after watching Misao leave. That very same day, Soujiro confided with Kenshin and Kaoru. He asked permission whether he could follow Misao. Of course, the Himuras were more than happy to support his decision. Kaoru was especially excited whereas Kenshin encouraged him to pursue her. The news broke out in the dojo so he found himself being mercilessly teased by both Yahiko and Yutaro. True the Kenshin-gumi tradition, he was given a send-off party. His heart felt like it was going to burst because of the unconditional love his Tokyo friends has given him.

Scratch that, his _family_ in Tokyo.

His arrival in Aoi-ya was another story to remember. As Soujiro reminisced how he was welcomed in Aoi-ya, a place the Juppongatana almost destroyed, he couldn't help but giggle at the memory.

_Okina, Aoshi and Misao were in the middle of heated meeting regarding the new patrol scheme the Oniwabanshu agreed with Kyoto Police. None of them was backing down with their arguments as to why their proposed strategy would or would not work. The tension among the three of them was so high it could suffocate anyone present in the room. They were in this state when Omasu chose to barge in despite knowing how the three heads of Oniwabansu were whenever they were in a heated meeting._

"_Omasu, you better have a good reason for disrupting us." Misao glared at the woman who was more concerned about the news she was about to break rather than the ire of their current okashira._

"_Misao, you have a visitor." She announced. Misao's glare intensified._

"_You disturbed us just for that? Whoever that person is, let him or her wait." Misao commanded. _

"_Demo ne Misao, I think you should see him quickly." Omasu dared to talk back to her temperamental leader. It made Misao's fuse ran shorter. She was about to shout an order to Omasu when Okina chose to speak. _

"_Kindly escort the visitor here. I think all of us…" he eyed Misao and Aoshi, "…could use a break." Okina ordered. Omasu nodded and quickly ran off to get Misao's visitor. Misao and Aoshi both stared at the old man with irritability but neither chose to argue with him. Soon, Omasu returned and with her was a young man with a handsome, smiling face. He was wearing a western-style inner shirt and light blue gi paired with a navy blue hakama. _

_Misao was speechless whereas Aoshi and Okina were both caught-of-guard. Before them stood the former right-hand man of Shishio Makato…_

"_Tenken no Soujiro." Aoshi addressed him while poised to attack and defend Misao. _

"_Ara, gomen ne. I told the nice lady that I can just wait outside. I didn't mean to interrupt anything. Also, I'm just Seta Soujiro now." He greeted. He bowed to them and waited awkwardly for any reaction. As he got up, he saw Misao throwing herself at him. Her smile was wide, warm and bright just like the sun. He caught her and both of them fell on the floor. Okina and Omasu were speechless while Aoshi was stunned. _

_Tea was served as Soujiro sat among the three heads of Oniwabanshu. He was seated next to Misao while Okina and Aoshi were seated across them. Misao reminded the two older Oniwabanshu of how she and Soujiro were re-acquainted. Okina had a hearty laugh whereas Aoshi was cautious. Okina offered Soujiro a room in the Aoi-ya much to Misao's delight and to Aoshi's annoyance. _

_Much like his family back in Tokyo, the Aoi-ya gave him a lively welcome dinner courtesy of the Shirobeko, a sister restaurant of the Akabeko in Tokyo. Soujiro was not spared from the merciless teasing of the other Oniwabanshu members and failed to escape the drinking challenge of Hiko Seijuro XIII. _

_It marveled him how his former enemies welcomed him with open arms. It made him realize even more that not all people are inherently bad. _

'_Everyone has just something to protect.' He told himself. _

_The sake proved to be Soujiro's undoing. After a couple of shots, he felt his head swirling and he fell on Misao's shoulder. Misao smiled at him and he managed to smile back knowing that Misao would help him get over his hangover the next day._

_**To live is to move forward.**_

Since that day, he found a home in Aoi-ya. Being with the Oniwabanshu made him realize what made Misao so full of life. She certainly shared some of her quirks with Okina. Shirojo and Kurojo were like older brother to Misao. They teased her yet are quite protective of her. Omasu and Okon were like sisters (and at times a mother) to her who would chastise her for being "un-lady like" but would be her sounding board whenever she has troubles. Aoshi on the other hand, despite being Misao's first love, remained a quiet protective force in her life. Soujiro knew because Aoshi closely watched him as often as he could. He knew that if he ever did anything to Misao, Aoshi would not hesitate to bring a swift end of his life.

Three months since he interrupted the meeting of the heads of Oniwabanshu, Soujiro approached Okina and Aoshi. He asked whether he would be permitted to court Misao. He admitted to them that he doesn't know how courtship works and he just went with his gut to ask permission first from Misao's guardians before doing anything. The act endeared him to Okina who was more than happy to help him with the courtship. Aoshi was a different subject altogether. Had it been for Okina's presence, he would have adamantly objected. Aoshi was not too pleased to give his blessing but he gave it nonetheless together with a threat to hunt him down should anything happen to Misao.

"_My life is in your hands Shinomori-san."_ Was the only reply Soujiro gave as he bowed to Okina and Aoshi.

_**To live is to make memories that will last even after the light of life has been extinguished**_

Remembering their courtship made Soujiro laugh. The members of the Oniwabanshu were just too eager to help. Sometimes, he and Misao wouldn't get any privacy at all. Chou, a former Juppongatana who also works with Saito gave him a pep talk which wasn't really helpful at all. Kamatari proved to be a much better "advisor" than Chou. He received a letter from Kamatari who was working an assignment for Saito in Hokkaido and gave him words of encouragement (after chastising him for his choice).

His family in Tokyo was more than happy to hear from him about his courtship with Misao. He was even surprised to receive a letter from Takani Megumi from Aizu. Of course, he wrote a letter to Niji Okubo who happily sent him a letter of response.

"_I'll be waiting for the wedding announcement then."_

_**To live is to love and be loved despite one's sins.**_

After a year of courtship, Soujiro and Misao wedded on a fine spring day. Family and former enemies turned friends were present in the wedding. Aoshi was the one who walked with Misao and gave her away in the altar while Kenshin stood beside Soujiro. Okina and Niji Okubo were like proud parents wiping tears on their eyes because of happiness. The wedding was simple yet full of life and laughter (just like Misao). Saito and his wife gifted them a honeymoon trip to Karuizawa.

_On their way to their honeymoon, Soujiro and Misao passed by Soujiro's hometown to visit his mother's grave and the old mansion where he lived. _

Placing a bucket of flowers in front of the old mansion, Seta Soujiro knelt down and prayed.

"_I never wanted to kill. All I wanted was to feel like I belong. I know it's too late but I am sorry. I hope you forgive me. Please find peace in the afterlife."_

_Soujiro stood and faced his wife; he took her hand and led her away from the place where everything has started. As they began to walk away, the remnants of the old, dilapidated house fell down. He thought that perhaps, it was a sign of his absolution._

_**To live is to learn how to forgive and to be forgiven.**_

It has been a year since they have been married. As Soujiro reached the stairs of the temple, he decided to sit down in one of the steps to patiently wait for his wife. He soon heard footsteps descending the stairs as he looked up, he saw Misao in her vibrant green kimono smiling at him. He held out a hand to her and she was more than eager to take it.

'_No, she is my absolution.'_

As they walked hand-in-hand together towards Aoi-ya, Soujiro knew he had found his answers.

* * *

**終わ****り**

* * *

**Afterword:**

This has been an emotional ride for me. In all honesty, I am a die-hard Aoshi x Misao pairing but I love writing from Seta Soujiro's point of view because he kind of had an open-ending at the end of the Kyoto-arc. His story is left open to be told from so many perspectives. This fanfic deviates heavily from the Hokkaido Arc because as of the latest chapter (**SPOILER ALERT**). Soujiro and some of the surviving members of the Juppongatana have made their appearance to aid Kenshin and the gang.

I don't think I'd be able to write a fanfic of this length again.

I hope you enjoyed this story. Thank you so much for investing your precious time to read this.


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